All I asked
28 Apr 2010 24 Comments
in Poetry Tags: Ache, Alone, Consumed, doubt, fear, Longing, LOVE, Poetry, Strength, test
Please shine a light here in the dark
For I have clearly lost my way
This place is full of hidden shadows
A mind in total disarray
I can’t help feeling pure resentment
For the road that brought me here
I look ahead into the darkness
And my whole body shakes with fear
I can not see another future
Without a cold and stoney heart
Full of bitterness and envy
Placing myself a world apart
I long to sleep, I long to breathe
Without these thoughts, without the ache
Without the effort of pretending
That my whole world is not at stake
How can I learn to live the moment
To make my peace with what I own?
I have so much, I have so many….
Always surrounded, yet alone
I walk the walk, I talk the talk
I give myself, but not my all
I’ve learned to wander here among you
While still surrounded by this wall
I never asked for endless riches
I turned my back on grasping fame
I wanted poetry and love
To share my blood, to share my name
Uninvited thoughts
12 Apr 2010 9 Comments
in Poetry Tags: choices, desire, doubt, dreams, honesty, lost, Path, Strength, test
You found your way into my head
Before I knew I’d let you in
I hesitated for a moment
And you were underneath my skin
You read me like an open book
And know exactly what to say
But while I see you in my sleep
You simply smile and walk away
You know me better than I do
But still can’t see what you have done
Somehow you turned into my saviour
The only source of warmth, my sun
I shouldn’t think of you so often
I shouldn’t need to see your face
But you crept into my heart
And somehow found my secret place
Your words breed chaos in my mind
And yet I need them like the air
I could just dive into your thoughts
And spend a lifetime swimming there
You’ve made me question my whole world
You’ve made me doubt all that I know
But your holding me together
So now, how can I let you go?
Shadow
06 Apr 2010 3 Comments
in Poetry Tags: Ache, Consumed, desire, dreams, Family, fear, lost, LOVE, mask, Strength, test
I lay here silent in the dusk
Away from prying eyes and ears
I let the smile slide off my face
And I can give way to my tears
It hangs above us like a cloud
A dark dense mist that blocks our view
An evil fog of shattered dreams
That slowly eats through me and you
It hovers over as we sleep
It stalks behind us in the light
It just gets faster if we run
Getting stronger if we fight
It makes me doubt my faith in us
Can we survive this if we fail?
The thought of life under this shadow
Makes it ache to just inhale
It’s every word we never say
It’s every look we dare not share
It blows the mind and breaks the heart
No rules, no justice, nothing fair
The years are passing way too fast
Each with more bitterness and fear
The world in danger of collapsing
Cracking with each hidden tear
Behind the mask, it’s not ok
Despite our seeming joie de vie
Without this dream held in our arms
The darkness will not set us free
It wears me out
16 Mar 2010 2 Comments
in Poetry Tags: Consumed, desire, despair, dreams, honesty, journey, Life, Longing, LOVE, test
I’m sick of writing with my pain
I’m tired of living with this fear
I can’t believe all my worst nightmares
Sought me out and found me here
I ache to live without the sorrow
Escape the darkness, bathe in light
I want to breathe in without thinking
To walk a path and know it’s right
I need my dreams to captivate me
And my days to follow through
To keep sight of the gifts I own
And not so often think of you
I want to feel some kind of normal
To know a life without this load
To see a future that is written
In caligraphy, not code
I long for some form of control
To have a say in who I’ll be
The choice was stolen from my hand
Without it, how can I be free?
I’m so proficient at pretending
But it takes all the strength I own
Protecting everybody else
Falling apart when I’m alone
I’m upside down and inside out
I am a stranger in my skin
I have to salvage all the pieces
But just don’t know where to begin
I need the world to right itself
The blood is rushing to my head
And I have no desire to drown
In every tear I’ve ever shed
All I have
06 Mar 2010 4 Comments
in Poetry Tags: Ache, anger, Consumed, despair, fear, infertility, journey, loss, test
How do I find the will, the way?
How do I find the strength inside?
How do I hold the parts together
When every effort is denied?
I AM DOING ALL I CAN!
How can my all not be enough?
I’m giving everything I have
But even I am not that tough
Someone can only bend so far
A heart can only break so much
Before it shatters into pieces
With the slightest, softest touch
I feel myself slipping away
I feel the bitterness break through
It threatens to envelope me
And everything that’s me and you
My heart is good, I don’t deserve
The pain, the torture and the tears
To forget how to be happy
And to live through my worst fears
How can I run, escape this nightmare
When I can not run from me?
I’ll still always be incomplete
Just half of who I’m meant to be
If there really are no answers
Why bother asking for relief?
They’re only words, they can not mend
This gaping hole that is my grief
I’m staring at my own reflection
My eyes, though red, are harsh and bare
Searching for a light, a strength
I’m afraid no longer lies in there
Survival mode
23 Feb 2010 1 Comment
in Poetry Tags: choices, desire, Heart, honesty, Life, LOVE, Selfishness, Spirit, Strength, test
Just when I find a little peace
You go and start another war
I look at you start to question
What I’m fighting so hard for?
Please don’t assume I will just settle
If it’s not ALL, it’s not enough
I am already on the edge
And you don’t want to call my bluff
How did I wind up in this cage
With faceless strangers shushing me?
Telling me how I should feel
And who I am supposed to be
Well I’ve pretended long enough
I can no longer hide my heart
How fast you seem to have forgotten
It’s why you loved me at the start
This is our LIFE, it’s not a game
Time moves to fast, no second chance
My spirit in survival mode
And there will be no backward glance
Now you are with me or against me
This is a battle I wont lose
My sanity is stretching thin
And the time has come to choose
I refuse to be your habit
I will not settle for polite
I want amazement in your eyes
For you to burn, for you to fight
The void
17 Feb 2010 4 Comments
in Poetry Tags: choices, Courage, inner voice, Poetry, Strength, test
At first the fear catches my breath
The emptiness is like a shroud
I feel like nobody could hear me
Because the silence is so loud
Colour ceases to exist
It isn’t black it isn’t white
I can’t tell if I stand in darkness
Or if I’m blinded by the light
But suddenly I realise
That I am safe, that I am free
Of all the fear, of all the pain
The outside world has offered me
I scream my questions to the void
But the reply comes from my heart
“You have the strength, you can’t give up
And you have known that from the start”
Her voice is calm and powerful
Now it brings me to my knees
“I don’t know how to keep on going
Loan me your strength and help me please”
She says “Let go of all that binds you
Follow your heart, it’s who we are
And each and every time you need me
Just reach inside, I won’t be far
Accept sometimes there are no answers
No line between what’s wrong and right
Don’t lose your faith, it’s all we have
How can you win if you won’t fight?”
It washes over me in waves
I know I’ll find the strength…somehow
Although I know I can not stay here
It is my sanctuary for now.
Paralyzed
15 Feb 2010 2 Comments
in Poetry Tags: Consumed, despair, fear, loss, Poetry, test
A thousand nightmares stand before me
And I am paralyzed with fear
The blood vibrating through my veins
Until it’s all that I can hear
My back is hard against the wall
There is no way to go but through
My feet are heavy, hands are shaking
And I don’t know what to do
How many years have I now wasted
Chasing vapours, opaque dreams?
Ignoring all the tiny threads
That were fraying at the seams
Now I can see it all undone
And it chills me to my core
I can no longer stand my ground
Instead I crumple to the floor
I lie here doubting all I am
Every decision ever made
Making bargains with myself
Although I’ve nothing left to trade
I shut myself off from the world
Because it hurts too much to care
Realising suddenly…
It’s been a while since I’ve been there
Instead I drift in solitude
And yet I’m reaching out my hand
Aching for someone to find me
To help me live, to help me stand
I close my eyes…maybe tomorrow
The way before me will be clear
But in the dark the nightmares whisper
Until it’s all that I can hear
Fly with fear
31 Jan 2010 2 Comments
in Poetry Tags: Consumed, fear, hope, infertility, ivf, test
I fly anew among the clouds
And I am bursting with new hope
I flung myself off of the ledge
Thinking “I don’t need a rope”
This time the wind will hold me up
The light just will not let me fall
I feel inside, this could be it…
But then it may not be at all
If I fall from such a height
Will I crash solid through the ground
And broken, keep falling forever
Never mended, never found
How can I feel the hope inside me
Then get smothered by the dark?
How can I be so saturated
And yet still can strike a spark?
I need to know that this can be
But keep a tight grip on whats real
This is now out of my hands
It will take more than what I feel
I fly, but now I fly with fear
How can I cushion my poor heart?
How can I be ready for the end
If I’m not ready from the start?
Outsider
04 Jan 2010 1 Comment
in Poetry Tags: choices, Determination, Life, LOVE, Poetry, Strength, test
It must be so easy to inspire
If your whole life is full of light
When you have everything you wished for
And never even had to fight
How can you talk to me of pain?
You’ve only seen from safe outside
How can you understand my tears
If you have never really cried?
There is a place I must get back to
I have to do it on my own
Although your shaddow stands beside me
We both know I am alone
I’m clutching straws, grasping at air
Trying to make it through this maze
But you pretending that you care for me
Only magnifies the haze
I have it all, but I have nothing
And I’m so tired that it aches
In spite of you I have to question
Whether I’ve got what it takes
I was where I was meant to be
How could you make me doubt my heart?
You saw me falling into pieces
Then took a piece to pull apart
But I am stronger than you thought
And I have way too much to lose
The outside may look more inviting
But it offers nothing I can use
