It wears me out
16 Mar 2010 2 Comments
in Poetry Tags: Consumed, desire, despair, dreams, honesty, journey, Life, Longing, LOVE, test
I’m sick of writing with my pain
I’m tired of living with this fear
I can’t believe all my worst nightmares
Sought me out and found me here
I ache to live without the sorrow
Escape the darkness, bathe in light
I want to breathe in without thinking
To walk a path and know it’s right
I need my dreams to captivate me
And my days to follow through
To keep sight of the gifts I own
And not so often think of you
I want to feel some kind of normal
To know a life without this load
To see a future that is written
In caligraphy, not code
I long for some form of control
To have a say in who I’ll be
The choice was stolen from my hand
Without it, how can I be free?
I’m so proficient at pretending
But it takes all the strength I own
Protecting everybody else
Falling apart when I’m alone
I’m upside down and inside out
I am a stranger in my skin
I have to salvage all the pieces
But just don’t know where to begin
I need the world to right itself
The blood is rushing to my head
And I have no desire to drown
In every tear I’ve ever shed
All I have
06 Mar 2010 4 Comments
in Poetry Tags: Ache, anger, Consumed, despair, fear, infertility, journey, loss, test
How do I find the will, the way?
How do I find the strength inside?
How do I hold the parts together
When every effort is denied?
I AM DOING ALL I CAN!
How can my all not be enough?
I’m giving everything I have
But even I am not that tough
Someone can only bend so far
A heart can only break so much
Before it shatters into pieces
With the slightest, softest touch
I feel myself slipping away
I feel the bitterness break through
It threatens to envelope me
And everything that’s me and you
My heart is good, I don’t deserve
The pain, the torture and the tears
To forget how to be happy
And to live through my worst fears
How can I run, escape this nightmare
When I can not run from me?
I’ll still always be incomplete
Just half of who I’m meant to be
If there really are no answers
Why bother asking for relief?
They’re only words, they can not mend
This gaping hole that is my grief
I’m staring at my own reflection
My eyes, though red, are harsh and bare
Searching for a light, a strength
I’m afraid no longer lies in there
Paralyzed
15 Feb 2010 2 Comments
in Poetry Tags: Consumed, despair, fear, loss, Poetry, test
A thousand nightmares stand before me
And I am paralyzed with fear
The blood vibrating through my veins
Until it’s all that I can hear
My back is hard against the wall
There is no way to go but through
My feet are heavy, hands are shaking
And I don’t know what to do
How many years have I now wasted
Chasing vapours, opaque dreams?
Ignoring all the tiny threads
That were fraying at the seams
Now I can see it all undone
And it chills me to my core
I can no longer stand my ground
Instead I crumple to the floor
I lie here doubting all I am
Every decision ever made
Making bargains with myself
Although I’ve nothing left to trade
I shut myself off from the world
Because it hurts too much to care
Realising suddenly…
It’s been a while since I’ve been there
Instead I drift in solitude
And yet I’m reaching out my hand
Aching for someone to find me
To help me live, to help me stand
I close my eyes…maybe tomorrow
The way before me will be clear
But in the dark the nightmares whisper
Until it’s all that I can hear
Losing faith
09 Feb 2010 2 Comments
in Poetry Tags: Ache, anger, despair, fear, infertility, ivf, loss, Path
How can the grief be so consuming
Until I think I’m going mad?
How can I feel a loss so deep
For something that I never had?
I’m losing faith in my own heart
I’m losing faith in everything
The world feels cold and desolate
Winter that never turns to spring
I can’t remember how I got here
And now I can’t find my way out
All wide-eyed hope, anticipation
Has given way to fear and doubt
I live by what is in my heart
I feel my way through every day
I wasn’t built to take this pain
I can’t just push it all away
And so layer upon layer
It slowly crushes all that’s me
Threatening all that I am
And mocking all I’ll never be
I don’t get where I’m going wrong
I did it all, put up a fight
But the line seems to be crumbling
No longer clear what’s wrong and right
This was not meant to be my path
Now I resent each step I take
Am I being punished for mistakes
That I never meant to make?
One way
08 Dec 2009 2 Comments
in Poetry Tags: Ache, despair, lost, LOVE
For once it’s hard to find the words
They can not mend this gaping hole
They can not wipe away these tears
Or lift my tired, trampled soul
I told myself it’s worth the risk
But now I can’t remember why
Now that my chest feels cold and hollow
I’m scared I’ve let my poor heart die
I never knew it would get harder
Now that I know, what can I say?
It fills my bones with fear to find
That this road only goes one way
I hold my breath at every corner
Hoping I’ve reached the end at last
But once again there is just darkness
And the next mountain I can’t see past
I can’t give up, I can’t keep going
And I can’t do this on my own
But you just don’t know what to say
So you turn and leave me here alone
I can’t remember who we were
Before the cut, before the scar
It runs too deep and threatens daily
To ruin everything we are
Back to reality
13 Nov 2009 2 Comments
in Poetry Tags: despair, Life, lost, Path
Some days are good, some days are bad
But each day passes just the same
Another day lost in the shadows
Stuck in this nightmare of a game
I can’t see back to where I started
And feel no closer to the end
Every day is just a test
Of how far sanity can bend
I close my eyes, I take a breath
But no matter how hard I can try
I fear this wound runs way too deep
And will just slowly bleed me dry
If this is never meant to happen
Then tell me, what was all this for?
The plans, the dreams, the life I chose
It was all meant for something more
Another one
11 Nov 2009 5 Comments
in Poetry Tags: anger, despair, Jealousy, Selfishness
How can I sit and watch my dreams
Fulfilled for everyone but me?
I smile, but inside I am dying
Although I try, I know they see
Just when I think I’m at a place
Where I can breathe without the pain
Another call….another one….
I’m clutching at my throat again
So lost in all my selfish thoughts
A quick excuse to get away
HOW COULD THEY EVER UNDERSTAND?!
So what more is there left to say?
I hate myself for hating them
It makes me sick, what I’ve become
The jealousy picking at my stitches
Until once again, I come undone
I wish I could share their joy
But I can’t master the disguise
And it only magnifies my bitterness
To see the pity in their eyes
I need a fire to warm this ice
But I need the ice to dull the ache
It had been too many long years
And there’s only so much I can take
