Stranger
12 Jul 2010 1 Comment
in Just a thought Tags: choices, Consumed, Path, Spirit, stranger, Strength, Understanding
I thought I knew you.
Now you are a stranger to me…but I’m not sorry.
The echoes are still there, remnants of the broken. The shell of the sunken ship, eaten away, reclaimed by nature, by changing tides. But the strong pieces remained, waiting to be salvaged, to see the sunlight once more.
You frightened me, fascinated me, bewildered me. How could such beauty and such darkness reside together for so long? How did the gypsy end up chained and still survive? How could you live by your heart when it was shattered beyond belief?
I still wonder, but I guess I’ll never really know. Because you don’t know.
Do you hold yourself responsible? Or me? Two sides of the same coin. Was it your choice to let the darkness take you? Or life’s?
What you were and what you wanted to be could not have been more different, but it was your blessing and your curse to be the poet. To feel it, feel it all. Magnified. Multiplied. Searing, pulsing, stabbing, numbing. Dreams, hopes, words, passion.
Two sides of the same coin. It was flipped. And now here I am, on the other side of the mirror. Smiling.
Now you are a stranger to me…but I’m not sorry.
All I asked
28 Apr 2010 24 Comments
in Poetry Tags: Ache, Alone, Consumed, doubt, fear, Longing, LOVE, Poetry, Strength, test
Please shine a light here in the dark
For I have clearly lost my way
This place is full of hidden shadows
A mind in total disarray
I can’t help feeling pure resentment
For the road that brought me here
I look ahead into the darkness
And my whole body shakes with fear
I can not see another future
Without a cold and stoney heart
Full of bitterness and envy
Placing myself a world apart
I long to sleep, I long to breathe
Without these thoughts, without the ache
Without the effort of pretending
That my whole world is not at stake
How can I learn to live the moment
To make my peace with what I own?
I have so much, I have so many….
Always surrounded, yet alone
I walk the walk, I talk the talk
I give myself, but not my all
I’ve learned to wander here among you
While still surrounded by this wall
I never asked for endless riches
I turned my back on grasping fame
I wanted poetry and love
To share my blood, to share my name
Shadow
06 Apr 2010 3 Comments
in Poetry Tags: Ache, Consumed, desire, dreams, Family, fear, lost, LOVE, mask, Strength, test
I lay here silent in the dusk
Away from prying eyes and ears
I let the smile slide off my face
And I can give way to my tears
It hangs above us like a cloud
A dark dense mist that blocks our view
An evil fog of shattered dreams
That slowly eats through me and you
It hovers over as we sleep
It stalks behind us in the light
It just gets faster if we run
Getting stronger if we fight
It makes me doubt my faith in us
Can we survive this if we fail?
The thought of life under this shadow
Makes it ache to just inhale
It’s every word we never say
It’s every look we dare not share
It blows the mind and breaks the heart
No rules, no justice, nothing fair
The years are passing way too fast
Each with more bitterness and fear
The world in danger of collapsing
Cracking with each hidden tear
Behind the mask, it’s not ok
Despite our seeming joie de vie
Without this dream held in our arms
The darkness will not set us free
It wears me out
16 Mar 2010 2 Comments
in Poetry Tags: Consumed, desire, despair, dreams, honesty, journey, Life, Longing, LOVE, test
I’m sick of writing with my pain
I’m tired of living with this fear
I can’t believe all my worst nightmares
Sought me out and found me here
I ache to live without the sorrow
Escape the darkness, bathe in light
I want to breathe in without thinking
To walk a path and know it’s right
I need my dreams to captivate me
And my days to follow through
To keep sight of the gifts I own
And not so often think of you
I want to feel some kind of normal
To know a life without this load
To see a future that is written
In caligraphy, not code
I long for some form of control
To have a say in who I’ll be
The choice was stolen from my hand
Without it, how can I be free?
I’m so proficient at pretending
But it takes all the strength I own
Protecting everybody else
Falling apart when I’m alone
I’m upside down and inside out
I am a stranger in my skin
I have to salvage all the pieces
But just don’t know where to begin
I need the world to right itself
The blood is rushing to my head
And I have no desire to drown
In every tear I’ve ever shed
All I have
06 Mar 2010 4 Comments
in Poetry Tags: Ache, anger, Consumed, despair, fear, infertility, journey, loss, test
How do I find the will, the way?
How do I find the strength inside?
How do I hold the parts together
When every effort is denied?
I AM DOING ALL I CAN!
How can my all not be enough?
I’m giving everything I have
But even I am not that tough
Someone can only bend so far
A heart can only break so much
Before it shatters into pieces
With the slightest, softest touch
I feel myself slipping away
I feel the bitterness break through
It threatens to envelope me
And everything that’s me and you
My heart is good, I don’t deserve
The pain, the torture and the tears
To forget how to be happy
And to live through my worst fears
How can I run, escape this nightmare
When I can not run from me?
I’ll still always be incomplete
Just half of who I’m meant to be
If there really are no answers
Why bother asking for relief?
They’re only words, they can not mend
This gaping hole that is my grief
I’m staring at my own reflection
My eyes, though red, are harsh and bare
Searching for a light, a strength
I’m afraid no longer lies in there
Paralyzed
15 Feb 2010 2 Comments
in Poetry Tags: Consumed, despair, fear, loss, Poetry, test
A thousand nightmares stand before me
And I am paralyzed with fear
The blood vibrating through my veins
Until it’s all that I can hear
My back is hard against the wall
There is no way to go but through
My feet are heavy, hands are shaking
And I don’t know what to do
How many years have I now wasted
Chasing vapours, opaque dreams?
Ignoring all the tiny threads
That were fraying at the seams
Now I can see it all undone
And it chills me to my core
I can no longer stand my ground
Instead I crumple to the floor
I lie here doubting all I am
Every decision ever made
Making bargains with myself
Although I’ve nothing left to trade
I shut myself off from the world
Because it hurts too much to care
Realising suddenly…
It’s been a while since I’ve been there
Instead I drift in solitude
And yet I’m reaching out my hand
Aching for someone to find me
To help me live, to help me stand
I close my eyes…maybe tomorrow
The way before me will be clear
But in the dark the nightmares whisper
Until it’s all that I can hear
Fly with fear
31 Jan 2010 2 Comments
in Poetry Tags: Consumed, fear, hope, infertility, ivf, test
I fly anew among the clouds
And I am bursting with new hope
I flung myself off of the ledge
Thinking “I don’t need a rope”
This time the wind will hold me up
The light just will not let me fall
I feel inside, this could be it…
But then it may not be at all
If I fall from such a height
Will I crash solid through the ground
And broken, keep falling forever
Never mended, never found
How can I feel the hope inside me
Then get smothered by the dark?
How can I be so saturated
And yet still can strike a spark?
I need to know that this can be
But keep a tight grip on whats real
This is now out of my hands
It will take more than what I feel
I fly, but now I fly with fear
How can I cushion my poor heart?
How can I be ready for the end
If I’m not ready from the start?
A life on hold
21 Jan 2010 2 Comments
in Poetry Tags: choices, Consumed, Path, Poetry, Selfishness
How do I stop my mind from racing?
How do I calm my pulsing veins?
Why try to alter the unchangeable
And pray for sunshine when it rains?
In so few years I’ve lived a lifetime
But I’ve been running standing still
Trying to let my voice be heard
While choking on this bitter pill
I could heal, I could inspire
I could imagine and create
But I have been so long consumed
All other dreams have had to wait
But will I make them wait to long
While I chase whispers in the air?
Will there be room to start again?
Will I have strength enough to care?
Will my summation be these words
That few will read and then forget?
When these years have passed me by
Will I have nothing but regret?
There are no lights, there are no arrows
And so I stumble in the dark
Searching for my gift, my reason
And a way to leave my mark
Waiting
03 Dec 2009 2 Comments
in Poetry Tags: Consumed, hope, lost
I am a slave to my own life
I’ve never felt so far from free
I need to know that this will end
But no one gives a guarantee
Don’t hope too hard, but hope enough
Don’t let them see how scared you feel
Don’t read the signs, don’t trust your dreams
But visualise and make it real
It’s all just cryptic words and riddles
And waiting….ALWAYS WAITING for a call
Do they know this is my world?
Do they understand I’ve risked it all?
I’ve sacrificed all dreams for one
Become a pawn to pay the bill
I tell myself it has to happen…
But who knows if it ever will
I say the words but you don’t see
How hard it is to stay afloat
So I just sit here, silent, smiling
With a scream stuck in my throat
Army of words
17 Nov 2009 4 Comments
in Poetry Tags: Consumed, FIGHT, Longing, mask, Strength
I hover always on the edge
With only words to hold me still
My private army against the sorrow
Ready to aim and fire at will
A way to calm my racing pulse
Convince myself I can survive
A way to show my true identity
Combat the numb, and feel alive
The life I live is feeling shallow
Too many things I have to be
Too many faces to put on
That all just hide the real me
I have a beautiful reality
But can’t help wanting something more
Instead of taking in the view
I am just staring at the door
Sometimes I see it in the dark
I feel its warmth, and I just beam
But then the daylight crashes through
And I realize, its still a dream
