Walk away
30 Mar 2010 3 Comments
in Poetry Tags: anger, Courage, freedom, honesty, journey, Selfishness, Spirit
You try to break me with your words
You try to bind me with your fear
For me to see the world your way
An uninspiring pupeteer
My heart is fierce, my spirit wild
I can not walk the path you tread
A vision darkened and mundane
No coloured dreams to share your bed
How can you live your life asleep?
Without elation, without pain
Never breathing winds of change
Or dancing barefoot in the rain
You can not crush me or control me
I will not fold under your stare
You live your days locked in a coma
Always here, never aware
I’ll walk away without regret
I will embrace it, breathe it in
I’ll leave you to your selfish games
Comfort in knowing, you’ll never win
All I have
06 Mar 2010 4 Comments
in Poetry Tags: Ache, anger, Consumed, despair, fear, infertility, journey, loss, test
How do I find the will, the way?
How do I find the strength inside?
How do I hold the parts together
When every effort is denied?
I AM DOING ALL I CAN!
How can my all not be enough?
I’m giving everything I have
But even I am not that tough
Someone can only bend so far
A heart can only break so much
Before it shatters into pieces
With the slightest, softest touch
I feel myself slipping away
I feel the bitterness break through
It threatens to envelope me
And everything that’s me and you
My heart is good, I don’t deserve
The pain, the torture and the tears
To forget how to be happy
And to live through my worst fears
How can I run, escape this nightmare
When I can not run from me?
I’ll still always be incomplete
Just half of who I’m meant to be
If there really are no answers
Why bother asking for relief?
They’re only words, they can not mend
This gaping hole that is my grief
I’m staring at my own reflection
My eyes, though red, are harsh and bare
Searching for a light, a strength
I’m afraid no longer lies in there
Losing faith
09 Feb 2010 2 Comments
in Poetry Tags: Ache, anger, despair, fear, infertility, ivf, loss, Path
How can the grief be so consuming
Until I think I’m going mad?
How can I feel a loss so deep
For something that I never had?
I’m losing faith in my own heart
I’m losing faith in everything
The world feels cold and desolate
Winter that never turns to spring
I can’t remember how I got here
And now I can’t find my way out
All wide-eyed hope, anticipation
Has given way to fear and doubt
I live by what is in my heart
I feel my way through every day
I wasn’t built to take this pain
I can’t just push it all away
And so layer upon layer
It slowly crushes all that’s me
Threatening all that I am
And mocking all I’ll never be
I don’t get where I’m going wrong
I did it all, put up a fight
But the line seems to be crumbling
No longer clear what’s wrong and right
This was not meant to be my path
Now I resent each step I take
Am I being punished for mistakes
That I never meant to make?
You knew
21 Nov 2009 3 Comments
in Poetry Tags: anger, Family, Heart, LOVE, Selfishness
It never ceases to amaze me
How heartless some people can be
How past their own selfish agenda
They can never seem to see
How could you stand with a straight face
And accept his wounded heart
When you knew that you would crush it
And then burn every little part?
You knew he was already broken
But yet you made us all believe
What exactly did you want here?
What were you hoping to achieve?
One heart can only take so much
What, did you think this was a game?
You took his heart, his soul, his pride
Now he will never be the same
You knew he could not face the dark
But you’ve extinguished every light
How can you stand your own reflection?
How will you ever sleep at night?
I’ll never understand your thinking
There’s no excuse for what you’ve done
How could you let him fall in love
When you knew you weren’t the one?
Another one
11 Nov 2009 5 Comments
in Poetry Tags: anger, despair, Jealousy, Selfishness
How can I sit and watch my dreams
Fulfilled for everyone but me?
I smile, but inside I am dying
Although I try, I know they see
Just when I think I’m at a place
Where I can breathe without the pain
Another call….another one….
I’m clutching at my throat again
So lost in all my selfish thoughts
A quick excuse to get away
HOW COULD THEY EVER UNDERSTAND?!
So what more is there left to say?
I hate myself for hating them
It makes me sick, what I’ve become
The jealousy picking at my stitches
Until once again, I come undone
I wish I could share their joy
But I can’t master the disguise
And it only magnifies my bitterness
To see the pity in their eyes
I need a fire to warm this ice
But I need the ice to dull the ache
It had been too many long years
And there’s only so much I can take
The war
20 Oct 2009 2 Comments
in Poetry Tags: anger, Determination, Longing
There is a war raging inside
Makes me so tired, I can’t sleep
Making a hundred whispered promises
That neither side intends to keep
What has this “experience” turned me into?
All the things I used to hate
I feel I’ve already lived a lifetime
But I am only twenty eight
I am longing to be inspired
By something other than this tension
To write of love and exultation
Things I no longer even mention
I AM NOT ASKING FOR THE WORLD!
Well it’s the world to me I guess
You can’t just show me what could be
And then expect me to take less
I didn’t choose for this to happen
But I CAN choose not to take it
Although sometimes painful and unchartered
Our path is only what we make it
