All I asked
28 Apr 2010 24 Comments
in Poetry Tags: Ache, Alone, Consumed, doubt, fear, Longing, LOVE, Poetry, Strength, test
Please shine a light here in the dark
For I have clearly lost my way
This place is full of hidden shadows
A mind in total disarray
I can’t help feeling pure resentment
For the road that brought me here
I look ahead into the darkness
And my whole body shakes with fear
I can not see another future
Without a cold and stoney heart
Full of bitterness and envy
Placing myself a world apart
I long to sleep, I long to breathe
Without these thoughts, without the ache
Without the effort of pretending
That my whole world is not at stake
How can I learn to live the moment
To make my peace with what I own?
I have so much, I have so many….
Always surrounded, yet alone
I walk the walk, I talk the talk
I give myself, but not my all
I’ve learned to wander here among you
While still surrounded by this wall
I never asked for endless riches
I turned my back on grasping fame
I wanted poetry and love
To share my blood, to share my name
Shadow
06 Apr 2010 3 Comments
in Poetry Tags: Ache, Consumed, desire, dreams, Family, fear, lost, LOVE, mask, Strength, test
I lay here silent in the dusk
Away from prying eyes and ears
I let the smile slide off my face
And I can give way to my tears
It hangs above us like a cloud
A dark dense mist that blocks our view
An evil fog of shattered dreams
That slowly eats through me and you
It hovers over as we sleep
It stalks behind us in the light
It just gets faster if we run
Getting stronger if we fight
It makes me doubt my faith in us
Can we survive this if we fail?
The thought of life under this shadow
Makes it ache to just inhale
It’s every word we never say
It’s every look we dare not share
It blows the mind and breaks the heart
No rules, no justice, nothing fair
The years are passing way too fast
Each with more bitterness and fear
The world in danger of collapsing
Cracking with each hidden tear
Behind the mask, it’s not ok
Despite our seeming joie de vie
Without this dream held in our arms
The darkness will not set us free
All I have
06 Mar 2010 4 Comments
in Poetry Tags: Ache, anger, Consumed, despair, fear, infertility, journey, loss, test
How do I find the will, the way?
How do I find the strength inside?
How do I hold the parts together
When every effort is denied?
I AM DOING ALL I CAN!
How can my all not be enough?
I’m giving everything I have
But even I am not that tough
Someone can only bend so far
A heart can only break so much
Before it shatters into pieces
With the slightest, softest touch
I feel myself slipping away
I feel the bitterness break through
It threatens to envelope me
And everything that’s me and you
My heart is good, I don’t deserve
The pain, the torture and the tears
To forget how to be happy
And to live through my worst fears
How can I run, escape this nightmare
When I can not run from me?
I’ll still always be incomplete
Just half of who I’m meant to be
If there really are no answers
Why bother asking for relief?
They’re only words, they can not mend
This gaping hole that is my grief
I’m staring at my own reflection
My eyes, though red, are harsh and bare
Searching for a light, a strength
I’m afraid no longer lies in there
Losing faith
09 Feb 2010 2 Comments
in Poetry Tags: Ache, anger, despair, fear, infertility, ivf, loss, Path
How can the grief be so consuming
Until I think I’m going mad?
How can I feel a loss so deep
For something that I never had?
I’m losing faith in my own heart
I’m losing faith in everything
The world feels cold and desolate
Winter that never turns to spring
I can’t remember how I got here
And now I can’t find my way out
All wide-eyed hope, anticipation
Has given way to fear and doubt
I live by what is in my heart
I feel my way through every day
I wasn’t built to take this pain
I can’t just push it all away
And so layer upon layer
It slowly crushes all that’s me
Threatening all that I am
And mocking all I’ll never be
I don’t get where I’m going wrong
I did it all, put up a fight
But the line seems to be crumbling
No longer clear what’s wrong and right
This was not meant to be my path
Now I resent each step I take
Am I being punished for mistakes
That I never meant to make?
One way
08 Dec 2009 2 Comments
in Poetry Tags: Ache, despair, lost, LOVE
For once it’s hard to find the words
They can not mend this gaping hole
They can not wipe away these tears
Or lift my tired, trampled soul
I told myself it’s worth the risk
But now I can’t remember why
Now that my chest feels cold and hollow
I’m scared I’ve let my poor heart die
I never knew it would get harder
Now that I know, what can I say?
It fills my bones with fear to find
That this road only goes one way
I hold my breath at every corner
Hoping I’ve reached the end at last
But once again there is just darkness
And the next mountain I can’t see past
I can’t give up, I can’t keep going
And I can’t do this on my own
But you just don’t know what to say
So you turn and leave me here alone
I can’t remember who we were
Before the cut, before the scar
It runs too deep and threatens daily
To ruin everything we are
Almost convinced
18 Oct 2009 1 Comment
in Poetry Tags: Ache, Consumed
Just when I think I have control
I feel my hands begin to shake
The darkness creeps into my mind
And my insides start to ache
As the ground beneath my feet
Seems to be solid where I stand
I spiral once more down a rabbit hole
That doesn’t lead to wonderland
I feel I’m watching from the outside
And I can see it going wrong
But I can’t step in and change it
Because I no longer belong
Sometimes I almost can convince myself
That it’s okay, I’m not to blame
But I have let it take me over
And things will never be the same
I want to remember how it feels
To be completely unconsumed
To crawl my way back to the world
Where sun still shone, where hope still bloomed
A smile is plastered on my face
And yet I can’t unclench my fists
I need to find that place inside me
Where life means more than just exist
Is this the day?
18 Oct 2009 1 Comment
in Poetry Tags: Ache, inspiration, Life, Longing, LOVE
If I could have seen this coming
Would I have walked a different road?
Would I have taken on this burden?
Would I have chose to bear this load?
Every endless day I wonder
Is this the day that I will break?
How much can one heart handle?
How much can one mind take?
I wish I could remember
What it feels like to be whole
To breathe without it aching
To feel a spark within my soul
It’s not supposed to be this hard
There is no part of this that’s fair
I had so many hopes and plans for us
And have so much love to share
I’m so afraid that I’ll become
A bitter, angry, empty shell
That all my love and all my passion
Will be burned up in this hell
I feel I spend my life pretending
That I’m ok, that I can cope
But I don’t know how long I can hide
The fact I am swiftly losing hope
They say it’s just so hard to tell me
That they wish that it was me
But I don’t want or need their pity
I just want for them to see
That there’s a blanket on the world
Which means the sun can’t shine as bright
As each day passes, stars are fading
Leaving a dark and endless night
But I have to keep believing
I can’t give up, despite the pain
But while I’ve been praying for the sunshine
Did I miss dancing in the rain?
