Still standing

I want to still believe in magic
I want to write of more than pain
I need to know more than this life
With all its levels of insane
This really should have been so simple
But then my world turned upside down
Since then I’ve just been treading water
It would be so easy just to drown
I know I’m stronger than I was
But still so fragile, so unsure
This unknown path is a disease
My mind can’t cope without a cure
I fly, I fall, I ache, I grieve
I lose myself, just for a while
Then realise I am still standing
And through the tears I can still smile
I CAN DO THIS! You don’t believe me?
Then you have no business being here
You will not take my hope, my courage
And make me give into the fear
I can not change what’s been and gone
Though each fall leaves me with a scar
I can’t give up accept defeat
When I’ve already come so far
For now this is all I can do
A selfish quest that is my right
Though I keep plunging into darkness
I will keep reaching for the light

…..

How is one to live a moral and compassionate existence when one is fully aware of the horror inherent in life, when one finds darkness not only in one’s culture but within oneself? If there is a stage at which an individual life becomes truly adult, it must be when one grasps the irony in its unfolding and accepts responsibility for a life lived in the midst of such paradox. One must live in the middle of contradiction, because if all contradiction were eliminated at once life would collapse. There are simply no answers to some of the great pressing questions. You continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expression of leaning into the light.

The world still turns

I can not let this take me under
I must accept what can’t be changed
I found a nightmare in my dreams
But nothing else has rearranged
The world still turns and I’m amazed
It doesn’t end when hope is gone
I still wake up, breathe in and out
The sun still shines and life goes on
It is a curse to own my heart
What I would give to just be numb
Instead the words and feelings rush me
Untill I’m completely overcome
I have to hold on to the thought
It will be worth it at the end
I will be stronger from this fight
And have the time and space to mend
This life is more than overwhelming
Sometimes I just can’t stand my ground
But really what’s the point in screaming
If no one’s there to hear the sound
We have one life, we have to live it
We can’t just let joy pass us by
The climb is tough and high and scary
But we can make it if we try.

…..

Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it’s what you are expected to give — which is everything.

One way

For once it’s hard to find the words
They can not mend this gaping hole
They can not wipe away these tears
Or lift my tired, trampled soul
I told myself it’s worth the risk
But now I can’t remember why
Now that my chest feels cold and hollow
I’m scared I’ve let my poor heart die
I never knew it would get harder
Now that I know, what can I say?
It fills my bones with fear to find
That this road only goes one way
I hold my breath at every corner
Hoping I’ve reached the end at last
But once again there is just darkness
And the next mountain I can’t see past
I can’t give up, I can’t keep going
And I can’t do this on my own
But you just don’t know what to say
So you turn and leave me here alone
I can’t remember who we were
Before the cut, before the scar
It runs too deep and threatens daily
To ruin everything we are

Waiting

I am a slave to my own life
I’ve never felt so far from free
I need to know that this will end
But no one gives a guarantee
Don’t hope too hard, but hope enough
Don’t let them see how scared you feel
Don’t read the signs, don’t trust your dreams
But visualise and make it real
It’s all just cryptic words and riddles
And waiting….ALWAYS WAITING for a call
Do they know this is my world?
Do they understand I’ve risked it all?
I’ve sacrificed all dreams for one
Become a pawn to pay the bill
I tell myself it has to happen…
But who knows if it ever will
I say the words but you don’t see
How hard it is to stay afloat
So I just sit here, silent, smiling
With a scream stuck in my throat

…..

“To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.”

Clouds

Please don’t tell me to come down
Because I’m happy way up here
Alone with my imagination
Away from everything I fear
Why should I rejoin the world?
It offers nothing that I need
It only kicks me when I’m down
Then hangs around to watch me bleed
Lost in my words and dreams
I feel so safe, I feel so free
No need to edit my personas
I can be real, I can be me
My toes are still touching the ground
Although you fear I’m losing touch
I keep my head up in the clouds
So that it doesn’t hurt as much
Its my induced poetic coma
That keeps the pain from breaking through
But somehow even in the clouds
I still can’t keep my thoughts from you

…..

Imagine every day to be the last of a life surrounded with hopes, cares, anger, and fear. ..
The hours that come unexpectedly will be so much more the grateful

You knew

It never ceases to amaze me
How heartless some people can be
How past their own selfish agenda
They can never seem to see
How could you stand with a straight face
And accept his wounded heart
When you knew that you would crush it
And then burn every little part?
You knew he was already broken
But yet you made us all believe
What exactly did you want here?
What were you hoping to achieve?
One heart can only take so much
What, did you think this was a game?
You took his heart, his soul, his pride
Now he will never be the same
You knew he could not face the dark
But you’ve extinguished every light
How can you stand your own reflection?
How will you ever sleep at night?
I’ll never understand your thinking
There’s no excuse for what you’ve done
How could you let him fall in love
When you knew you weren’t the one?