Losing faith

How can the grief be so consuming
Until I think I’m going mad?
How can I feel a loss so deep
For something that I never had?
I’m losing faith in my own heart
I’m losing faith in everything
The world feels cold and desolate
Winter that never turns to spring
I can’t remember how I got here
And now I can’t find my way out
All wide-eyed hope, anticipation
Has given way to fear and doubt
I live by what is in my heart
I feel my way through every day
I wasn’t built to take this pain
I can’t just push it all away
And so layer upon layer
It slowly crushes all that’s me
Threatening all that I am
And mocking all I’ll never be
I don’t get where I’m going wrong
I did it all, put up a fight
But the line seems to be crumbling
No longer clear what’s wrong and right
This was not meant to be my path
Now I resent each step I take
Am I being punished for mistakes
That I never meant to make?

Fly with fear

I fly anew among the clouds
And I am bursting with new hope
I flung myself off of the ledge
Thinking “I don’t need a rope”
This time the wind will hold me up
The light just will not let me fall
I feel inside, this could be it…
But then it may not be at all
If I fall from such a height
Will I crash solid through the ground
And broken, keep falling forever
Never mended, never found
How can I feel the hope inside me
Then get smothered by the dark?
How can I be so saturated
And yet still can strike a spark?
I need to know that this can be
But keep a tight grip on whats real
This is now out of my hands
It will take more than what I feel
I fly, but now I fly with fear
How can I cushion my poor heart?
How can I be ready for the end
If I’m not ready from the start?

A life on hold

How do I stop my mind from racing?
How do I calm my pulsing veins?
Why try to alter the unchangeable
And pray for sunshine when it rains?
In so few years I’ve lived a lifetime
But I’ve been running standing still
Trying to let my voice be heard
While choking on this bitter pill
I could heal, I could inspire
I could imagine and create
But I have been so long consumed
All other dreams have had to wait
But will I make them wait to long
While I chase whispers in the air?
Will there be room to start again?
Will I have strength enough to care?
Will my summation be these words
That few will read and then forget?
When these years have passed me by
Will I have nothing but regret?
There are no lights, there are no arrows
And so I stumble in the dark
Searching for my gift, my reason
And a way to leave my mark

…..

“Truth has power. And if we all gravitate toward similar ideas, maybe we do so because those ideas are true…written deep within us. And when we hear the truth, even if we don’t understand it, we feel that truth resonate within us…vibrating within our unconscious wisdom. Perhaps the truth is not learned by us, but rather, the truth is re-called…remembered…re-cognized…as that which is already inside us”

Dan Brown  (The Lost Symbol)

Amazing writing. This paragraph really got to me,  just had to share…

New beginning

Starting today a new beginning
I will no longer doubt our strength
To keep us both from going under
I swear I’ll go to any length
I’m sorry that we lost our way
But please believe these words are true
The only family I long for
Is one thats part of me and you
I wasn’t prepared to feel this helpless
For it to ever be this hard
Something that should have been so natural
To leave us torn, stripped bare and scarred
Whatever’s past, I’ve never doubted
The way you’ve loved me from the start
My world just makes no sense without you
You are my home, you are my heart
But this is hard, we’re only human
The world won’t shatter if we shout
We need to stop walking on eggshells
And tell the truth, just let it out
This should have never been our burden
We don’t deserve what we go through
But I will only walk this path
Because I’m walking it with you

Outsider

It must be so easy to inspire
If your whole life is full of light
When you have everything you wished for
And never even had to fight
How can you talk to me of pain?
You’ve only seen from safe outside
How can you understand my tears
If you have never really cried?
There is a place I must get back to
I have to do it on my own
Although your shaddow stands beside me
We both know I am alone
I’m clutching straws, grasping at air
Trying to make it through this maze
But you pretending that you care for me
Only magnifies the haze
I have it all, but I have nothing
And I’m so tired that it aches
In spite of you I have to question
Whether I’ve got what it takes
I was where I was meant to be
How could you make me doubt my heart?
You saw me falling into pieces
Then took a piece to pull apart
But I am stronger than you thought
And I have way too much to lose
The outside may look more inviting
But it offers nothing I can use

Enough?

Will our love save us if this fails?
Could we survive the biggest test?
When everything is said and done
Will we have tried our very best?
What once stood solid now feels shaky
I’m scared it just won’t be enough
To rely on everything we were
Before our path became so rough
We seem to just go through the motions
I don’t feel safe, I don’t feel sure
Is there a way we can get back there?
Can it be like it was before?
I am confused and I am lost
But after all that we’ve been through
Although right now it isn’t whole
My heart always belongs to you
I need to know that you can hear me
That you can feel the things I feel
We can’t just dream about that life
We need to choose, then make it real
I know that things are complicated
But you knew right from the start
The only way that I can live
Is if there’s fire in my heart
We can’t become each others habit
We can’t keep passing in the night
You have to prove you really want this
You have to be prepared to fight

…..

The idea is to write it so that people read it and it slides through the brain and goes straight to the heart.
-Maya Angelou-

Still standing

I want to still believe in magic
I want to write of more than pain
I need to know more than this life
With all its levels of insane
This really should have been so simple
But then my world turned upside down
Since then I’ve just been treading water
It would be so easy just to drown
I know I’m stronger than I was
But still so fragile, so unsure
This unknown path is a disease
My mind can’t cope without a cure
I fly, I fall, I ache, I grieve
I lose myself, just for a while
Then realise I am still standing
And through the tears I can still smile
I CAN DO THIS! You don’t believe me?
Then you have no business being here
You will not take my hope, my courage
And make me give into the fear
I can not change what’s been and gone
Though each fall leaves me with a scar
I can’t give up accept defeat
When I’ve already come so far
For now this is all I can do
A selfish quest that is my right
Though I keep plunging into darkness
I will keep reaching for the light

The world still turns

I can not let this take me under
I must accept what can’t be changed
I found a nightmare in my dreams
But nothing else has rearranged
The world still turns and I’m amazed
It doesn’t end when hope is gone
I still wake up, breathe in and out
The sun still shines and life goes on
It is a curse to own my heart
What I would give to just be numb
Instead the words and feelings rush me
Untill I’m completely overcome
I have to hold on to the thought
It will be worth it at the end
I will be stronger from this fight
And have the time and space to mend
This life is more than overwhelming
Sometimes I just can’t stand my ground
But really what’s the point in screaming
If no one’s there to hear the sound
We have one life, we have to live it
We can’t just let joy pass us by
The climb is tough and high and scary
But we can make it if we try.